He's still here, but I don't know if he's going to make it until Christmas.

He's mostly leaving me alone and I am mostly leaving him alone. However, he and Jeff are starting to have daily rows, sometimes several per day. We make him leave the house when we leave and do not allow him to return until 6 p.m. (although we'll let him come back earlier on weekends if he calls and asks and we're home). He is livid about this - he wants to lay around and sleep and doesn't understand why we're not permitting this. He says that we "hate him."

This is actually his latest answer to everything: we make him leave, we hate him. We won't let him eat junk food for dinner but insist that he eats the horrible stuff that we do (i.e. a home-cooked balanced meal instead of a frozen mini-pizza), we hate him. etc etc etc. Sometimes it's really comical. Every day we suggest that he go to the library (at most a 3 mile walk - I've never really clocked it) and study for his SAT. Yesterday when Jeff offered to drop him off at the library as we went out for our errands, he said, "I refuse to study because you want me to!" Jeff asked, "So basically, your position is, 'Screw you, Dad, I'm going to not do something good for myself just to spite you!'?" and Jon blinked for a minute before responding, 'Uh.....Yeah, that's right!" He looked mortally offended when we both burst out laughing.

The other thing that I find interesting/amusing/astounding is that he is applying for food stamps. He believes himself to be totally justified because we make him eat breakfast and leave. He can make and pack a lunch if he choses, which he often does, and he can have dinner when he gets home. But because he isn't allowed to eat all 3 meals at the house he feels as though we're depriving him...I can't wait to hear how this goes over at Family and Children's Services...

He was able to get his hand set, and will be able to get a note from the doctor when he has the cast taken off, so he should be able to go back to Job Corps in January - we hope.

And so we wait, and we see. I just don't really know what comes next....

In other news, I have learned that teaching an on-line course and taking my own courses while I work full time and deal with him is NOT the single best idea I've ever had. We're entering the final week of the on-line course, and I can't even express how happy I am that it's almost over. I like the material and my students, but it's just too much.

I've also discovered that I've hurt my knee, and I now know more about my meniscus (cartilage rings that cushion the inner workings of the knee who are, as I oh so recently was, blissfully ignorant of this fact) than I ever cared to, and am probably heading towards surgery. I'm working with a physical terrorist first (I shouldn't pick, Ben is a nice guy and hasn't done anything particularly sadistic to me...yet) and he has actually held out some hope that I may be able to correct it non-surgically if I rest it...which means no hiking...at all....while I'm trying to manage Jon and everything else....

I'm trying it the PT's way for right now, but I'm just not sure how long I can go without at least a gentle walk in the woods. I'm going to start coaxing him tomorrow, to see if I can get approval for at least that much.

And that, for the moment at least, is that.

So he's back.

He sent Jeff an email last weekend saying that he'd been in a fight and hurt his hand hitting a wall (more specifically, the email was blaming us for him having broken his hand as it was our fault, apparently, that he went back). On Monday Jeff got a call from a nurse stating that their policy is that he had to leave because his hand was truly broken, and that he could not return until his hand was out of his cast and he had been cleared by an orthopedist. He told the nurse that they could send him back, but that he was not welcome to return to our home as this was a situation of his creation and not a scheduled holiday.

A short while later, I got a call from the nurse manager, saying basically the same things and adding that Jon had apparently been a real schmuck to the nurses over the weekend - yelling, threatening to throw things and hit nurses in order to get pain medication. I told her the same thing that Jeff had told the other nurse, and I provided her with the contact information for the Marietta homeless shelter (which is affiliated with a church group that also offers a wide range of social services). She mentioned that he may qualify for Medicaid - since he dropped out of school his adoption Medicaid was cancelled, and since he is of legal age and not in school he does not qualify for either of our insurance plans.

When I called back a couple of hours later to see what his travel plans were, she was quite a bit cooler - apparently she had talked some more to her nurses and he had been even more of a schmuck than originally stated. She did say that they were putting him on a bus to Elizabeth Inn and that he could come back after his hand was healed and he was medically cleared.

Jeff was in agony all night. Jon's bus got in at about 7 a.m., and the last bits of hurricane Ida were coming through so it was a cold and thoroughly rainy day. Jeff picked him up from the bus station, fed him breakfast, and then took him to Elizabeth Inn to drop him off. When he called me after he'd dropped him off, he was crying. "I feel horrible that I'm doing this to him," he kept saying over and over. "I'm a horrible person. What kind of person doesn't help their kid?"

I wasn't feeling a whole lot better than he was, but I kept reminding myself (and him) that we had to stick to our guns. Jon has only ever flourished when he has no other choice but to get his act together. To at least some extent, I believe that the fact that we have bailed him out so many times has made him worse, not better, because he believes that he can. All of the literature on the subject says that clearly. But that doesn't make it easy. And hearing your Marine husband bawling in your ear doesn't help.

Of course we all know how this ends - probably would even if I hadn't told you to begin with. The Elizabeth Inn people said that they didn't think that Jon qualified for Medicaid but that they could and and would help him get care for his hand. They didn't have a bed for him, though, and at about 4 that afternoon they called Jeff to tell him so.

Jeff went and picked him up, and here he is.

Exactly where we told him he couldn't come.

All of our credibility is blown.

I told Jeff that he's not going to really get better until he hits bottom, and that as long as Jeff made sure that that didn't happen he was really only assuring at least one more round of this cycle. He simultaneously says that he knows and that he doesn't believe it. I believe that both statements are true.

Jon has to leave when we leave each morning (or no later than 9 for those days that I'm working from home) and can't come back onto the property until 6 p.m. We told him to go try and volunteer somewhere, or go to the library and study for his SAT.

He's been here for three days and I've already had to start picking up after him. His attitidue is mostly OK...for now. The old Jon leaks through, especially first thing in the morning.
My friend Lainey has offered me her spare room when ever I need it. I can't believe that I'm at a point where I'm seriously considering leaving my own house, even for a short time, but yet here I am....staying, at least for the moment.

The good news: Jon has done amazingly well at Job Corps. He is progressing through his culinary program as quickly as anyone they have ever had at the center and it is possible that he'll be done by the start of the new year. He's completed his GED, and has been accepted by the local junior college to start classes in January.

In short, he seems to have gotten with the program.

Execpt for the fact that he really hasn't.

He calls about every two weeks presenting various arguments about why he should come home. Some of these are requests, some are cajolling, some are demanding, but they all break down to about the same thing: why can't he come live at home and go to school near by? Job Corps will pay (no, they won't, just BTW).

The reasons are always different: the staff is unfair, he's been getting into trouble and doesn't want to get kicked out, he's bored and lonely. He called Friday, as Jeff and I were driving through the North Ga/Tenn/N. Carolina mountains (we took the day off for our anniversary - another year and I haven't killed him yet!) to complain about wanting to come home, asking why no one had sent money in his birthday cards, telling us that if we were GOOD parents we'd be climbing all over ourselves to offer him money to pay him for his success. He and I had a conversation about instrinsic satisfaction and motivation...I don't think it made a dent. I reminded him that he could not come back home if he dropped out, which seems to be a primary motivator for him (hey, at least he HAS a motivator!), even though he made some mouth noises about living in a homeless shelter near Gwinnett Tech and going to school there if we wouldn't let him come home, he backtracked off of that after a few minutes.

But the kicker came later that night: he called at 1 a.m. Saturday morning to say that he'd had sex with a girl who was now accusing him of rape, and that he had to get out pronto. My sleepy mind adapted as well as it could, at least enough to remind him that he would not be permitted to leave if he had criminal charges pending. He did NOT want to hear that (and I found out why a bit later - he already knew that there were no charges) and rattled on for a while until I told him that I had to go back to bed.

He called Monday to say that he was back in GA, near our home. He asked if we could meet him that night, and we agreed. We met at about 9, after he'd finished his NA meeting, and we went to a near-by Starbucks. He told us that when he'd called Saturday night he'd already left, and that he already knew at that point that he was not facing charges, that no one found the young lady credible because she has done this sort of thing before (I do have to say, I believe him to be capable of a lot of things, but that was never one of them). He said that he left because he was afraid that some friends of the girl's would beat him up.

He asked if he could come home while he sorted it all out. It was one of the most difficult things that I've ever done to tell him no, but Jeff and I held firm. He was a little incredulous, and kept asking in round about ways - the answer was always no. After a few rounds of that, he said that he'd actually signed himself out for a "personal leave" and that he could go back. He called Jeff the next day and said that he has to get the permission of the Center Director to come back, personal leave or no, and that the Director would not be back until Monday. Jeff told him to call us Monday and let us know what's going on.

So here we are, waiting until Monday. We're hopeful that he'll be allowed back because he has done so stunningly well up to this point. But we're just waiting to see.

I hardly know where to start, and what is worth including. So many things that are problematic for a while all come out in the wash if you just give them time...hey, that sounded suspiciously like wisdom!

School is nuts. I was pleased with my grades for my first term, although I suspect that they may have been over-generous when doing the grading. It was a little frustrating last meeting - the class energy just seemed to be low and not particularly positive, which has not been the case up to then. I spoke with another one of my classmates on our (becoming) routine Saturday night outing for drinks, and I think he hit it on the head: for whatever our personal reasons were, we all arrived more tired, less prepared, and generally not as ready for the session, and it showed.

On the plus side, I believe that I'm making at least one genuine friend, someone that I will stay in touch with even after we are done with school. That's always nice.

My first real class teaching an on-line university class started today. No more prep work, this is the real deal! I'm excited and nervous - these people are paying real money, and plenty of it, for the benefit of my instruction. I want to be sure that they get what they need and want as much as possibe. I'm sure that this would be easier without school of my own, and my own classes would be easier without this, but since Jeff turned the other job down...

Wait, I don't think I've told about that. About a month ago, out of nowhere, Jeff got a call from a former co-worker saying that his new company was hiring and he wondered if Jeff would be interested. Jeff was pretty darn unhappy with his current company, so he sent over his resume and they called him for an interview in less than an hour after he'd sent the resume over. One thing led to another, and he quickly ended up with a very generous offer of employment.

When he submitted his resignation the owners of the company went nuts, and asked what they could do to change his mind. He told them that (a) he was concerned about the financial health of the company and (b) his direct supervisor didn't know how to manage a team and was creating problems. The owners opened the company books to him to convince him that everything is OK, and promised to deal with the supervisor, so even thought he'd accepted the other firm's offer he agreed to rescend his resignation and refuse their offer.

So far the results have been somewhat mixed, although his boss has been addressed pretty clearly. And I DO think that, if the firm survives the next year or so, when they bounce back Jeff will be in a great finanical place. In the meantime, since he'd told him that his leaving wasn't about money he refused to accept a salary that matched the offer of the new firm, almost $10,000 dollars a year are NOT coming into our accounts (which would've been nice given that both of us have had pay cuts in the past year), and I'm teaching to help make up the difference and pay for the travel to school.

Jon....Jon has had his ups and downs...frankly, it may be the subject of another entry, because we're still going through them right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll be up to writing about Jon.

The new job responsiblilities are going fine. It's all work with people I know, doing a job I know how to do well, so there shouldn't be a problem. The extra driving and typing are causing a few more carpal tunnel problems, but if I get better about wearing my braces when I type, maybe that will help.

We didn't wash away in the floods, although they came within about a mile of the house. We do, however, have  leak in the roof of which we were unaware until we saw the water stain the ceiling over the front door. Jeff climbed up into the attic and said that it looked as thought it has had a slow leak for a while, and the over-abundance of rain has just make it show itself. Apparently everyone is discovering similar problem, though, because we've had a heck of a time getting roofers to come look at it to quote us for repairs. One if finally coming tomororw, and if her quote isn't too outrageous she'll probably get the job just so we can get it fixed.

Jeff's mom has been sick. It looks as though she may have been diabetic for a while without knowing it - when she went to the doc to get checked and they tried to test her blood with a finger stick, they couldn't get the machine to register. When they finally got it via blood test, I don't know what the final answer was, but the doctor was amazed that she was still walking and talking. I'm just holding my breath and hoping that she gets stabilzed soon.

That's enough to be getting on with, I think! More about Jon and the flood soon.

What a whirlwind the past couple of weeks has been. There has been a lot of potential for bad things, even true disaster, and yet things are good...and I am grateful.

Biggest on this list is the recent flood. Our county was one of the first four to be declared a national disaster area, and the serious flooding came within a couple of miles of our home - our interstate exit was six feet under water at one point, and the highway that we live off of wasn't much better off. It took me 3 1/2 hours to travel 15 miles on Monday afternoon, and about 2 1/2 hours of that was traveling the last two or three miles. At one point I thought I might be better off parking the car and walking home, rain or no rain.

But I got home, our house is fine (not even any water in the garage), and our roads are re-opened. So we are lucky, and we know it.

Both of the trails out at Redtop Mountain have sections that are under water, and the Iron Hill loop has been closed - not sure why, there are loop-backs built in that people can use to avoid the water, so they could've just posted the water-logged section as closed...but hey, not my decision to make.

I had a nasty cold for about 10 days, but it's just about gone now. But it was only a cold, nothing worse, so that's good.

I got my grades for the first term in school : A-!!!! Given that I haven't done anything even vaguely academic in over a decade, I'm feeling very good about that.

I'm off today, but have workmen swarming the place: one of the cats vomited on a sofa, so we had the cleaner out. We're having additional window work done, so they're out there merrily working on windows. There have been problems in our phone line and DSL, so the ATT fellow is here. Our washing machine died (an honorable death, it was about Jon's age) a couple of weeks ago. We bought a new one last weekend and they delivered it today...just now, as a matter of fact. So it's been a busy, productive day (at least so far).

Finally, we got a call from Job Corps yesterday. Out of the 1500 kids at Jon's center, four were recently admitted to the local junior college, and Jon was one of them. He had to be removed from class because he was so excited - apparently he was whooping, and screaming, "I'm going to college, all you motherfuckers!" As a mom, you shake your head and chuckle. I'm very proud, and very happy that he is excited about it. If he weren't, he wouldn't do it that long (if he ever started it), so the fact that he thinks it's wonderful bodes well.

Jeff had an unexpected job interview a couple of days ago, and thinks that it went well. He thinks he'll probably get an offer, so we're trying not to pre-judge unless/until such offer comes. But they had heard about him and called and asked him to send a resume, and then called to set up an interview less than an hour after he faxed it over, so even if nothing comes of it that bodes well if he decides that he's ready to leave where he's at.

So all is well, all is well, and all manner of things will be well.

Until the rain starts again, which it is supposed to do this evening. There's supposed to be up to 2 inches...which is still better than the 23 inches in 24 hours that we apparently got on Monday/Tuesday.

Not really sure where I'd like to go with this entry - honestly, probably shouldn't be posting at all until I get it sorted, but what the heck...

I'm swinging back and forth between feeling a bit overwhelmed but otherwise OK and feeling like the world is a dark, unpleasant place, that nobody makes it out alive, and that we're basically fools for trying.

Over the weekend, on one of our drives w/the dogs in the mountains, we saw a fawn on the side of the road, stretched out, dead. It was a tiny thing, no bigger than a spaniel, and still had her baby spotted coat - too young for this time of year, really, although we've seen a lot of late-season babies of a variety of species recently. I have no illusions about the natural world, red in tooth and claw and all that, and know that a lot more fawns start the spring than finish the summer. But something about this sad little creature, who was born late and apparently under a dark star, just hit me hard. Perhaps if she'd fallen to a coyote or something that needed her life in order to continue its own I might have felt differently? I don't know that; all I know is that seeing it dead for no other reason than that it tried to follow mom across a road just bothered me...bothers me still, although I've yet to figure out why.

I just finished a book that was uniquely suited to this mind-set (or perhaps partially causal?) titled "The Magicians". It's a wonderful depressing book based on the idea that things such as magic, Hogwart's, and Narnia are all real - but not especially nice, like everything in the real world. It is well written (except for a few more adverbs, perhaps, than are to my taste, but that's just me), well paced, and captures its subject and concept perfectly. I highly recommend it, but don't blame me if it serves as a bit of a downer - I DID warn you.


Addendum: The more I think of "The Magicians", the more I think I should go back and re-read Straub's "Shadowlands". They both deal beautifully with very similar sorts of ideas, one in a more realistic and one in a more fantastical sort of way. It would be interesting to compare them. Now all I have to do is try to actually get to "Shadowlands" in the boxed-up wasteland that is my library.

So I'm feeling whiney and mopey - last night I realized that something was wrong with a tooth. I was teleworking today and my dentist was able to work me in, and now I have a brand new filling to show off. Not only is that not bad, that's great - it was the tooth next to the one that I've had such trouble with, and I was really afraid that the tooth in question was fine and I was feeling referral pain from the bad one going even worse. 

So why whiney? My dentist hit a bit of a nerve numbing me up, it's the very back molar, and I have a tiny mouth. These things have conspired to cause me to be in a lot of discomfort, which I frankly didn't expect from just a filling. Jeff is working late, so I've been able to cuddle up with some TiVo'ed "Primeval" (I'm a sucker for a lot of the shows on BBC-America), several cups of hot tea, some mushy mac and cheese for dinner, and now to head to bed early with the new Carlos Ruiz Zafon novel and some advil to keep me company (and assorted fuzzy things, of course).

Not much happening at work since last week's big news. Everyone is still reeling from the shock. I had a nice long talk with my closest work friend (which ended when he got a call that there was a major problem at one of his facilities and that people were hurt; I"m hoping to hear back from him that things were exaggerated) and both of us are  vacillating between numb, miserable, and fearful of our own jobs (he makes the most, I've got the least time with the organization, so either of us would make convenient targets if they hit our job class again).

I've seriously considered dropping out of the doctoral program. I'm very concerned that it will make me an attractive target for lay-off if my boss knows about it - it makes me even more potent competition in his view. But after a lot of thought I'm going to stick with it. This is my chance at something I've always wanted, and nothing bad has happened with work yet. I can't run scared because of something that may not ever come to pass...that's what I keep telling myself, and I might actually slip up and believe it :)

Jon is 20 today. I tried to call but was unable to get through, but I'm sure that he'll call when he gets the chance. It is difficult to realize how far back he has come in just over two years. The doctors didn't believe that he would live, or that he would be much more than permanently disabled, and here he is. Although a compelling argument can be made that some of his choices suggest permanent brain damage, he made a lot of them before the accident, so we can't really blame it... But I'm grateful that he's well, and progressing in his program.

I keep reminding myself - much of what worries me is transient. The important things are going well. I have to remember; sometimes it's easy to get lost in the forest when you're looking for trees.

College math tutor - my dad wouldn't let me get a "real job" in high school on the grounds that "once I started working I wouldn't stop for decades"...but I think that he was more worried about free babysitting for my brother and sister, who were 10 years younger, because they both had after-school jobs in high school.

We knew that the state's budget crunch was rolling on, and we knew that there would be more cuts. But we didn't think that it would be people...we've lost so many already - two in our office, 10 in the field. We also thought that, if someone in the office had to go, it might be the person who oversees substance abuse services - she oversees programs on only four campuses, one of which is closing. I really thought that we would not loose another person who oversees service delivery.

But we did.

There are now exactly as many supervisors in our office as there are people for them to supervise (although that's not how the chain of supervision actually works). I'm going back into the field full time, and they are giving my other responsibilities to the substance abuse person. The woman who was laid off was one of the key figures in getting our department out of the Memorandum of Understanding with the Department of Justice - without her, the MOA doesn't end.

This is just so wrong. We were told that our bosses had offered slivers of time from a lot of the field (those hourly people like psychologists and psychiatrists), and that if each facility had given up one hour of each per week that the lay-off wouldn't have been needed. But the Powers That Be said that that would lead to a "perceived" reduction of services to youth, which the budget cuts could not appear to touch. The fascinating thing is that we know from bitter experience that if no one is laying eyes on the services that are being delivered, they quickly become sloppy and noncompliant, so although the "direct services" haven't been cut, the probability is that they will suffer. In recent months we'd really been able to move from a monitoring to a coaching role, and that will have to end as well. We just won't have time to do anything but dance as fast as we can to keep up.

The evil imp in me hopes that this SA person (whom I don't care for at the best of times) falls flat on her face trying to do my job. I'm really proud of what I've been able to accomplish, and would hate to see them put in any hands other than mine, but hers in particular rankle. We'll see how it goes...

And the woman who was laid off...I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that choice. Of course, at this point any of us would be a huge hit. There are some vacant supervisory positions in facilities right now, one quite close to where she lives, and if there is ANY justice or loyalty in the agency they will place her in that spot by direct appointment and not make her jump through the interview hoops...but I'm not holding out a lot of hope for that. There are too many politics in play.

At the end of the day, my primary feeling is gratitude that I have a job, that it's a job in my field, that my income hasn't been hit. If anything, I'll probably end up with even more flexibility in my schedule.

But I wish....well, I wish a lot of things.

I forgot to mention the updates to the house yesterday, but things are rolling along nicely.

The new air conditioner works beautifully, and we've averaged about $20 less per month on our bill so far this summer, so I'm very pleased.

The new windows are in, and they're lovely. We haven't had an electric bill since they were put in, but I'm hoping for good things. We've hired the fellow who installed them to come back and replace the large plate glass window in the kitchen (it has a BB hole in the outer pane from previous neighbors) and to "wrap" the small decorative windows in the dining and bedroom, to make them match the look of the rest of the windows. We've had it on the books twice but have been rained out both times. I'm hoping we can get it done soon, because we're going to have the house painted as soon as he's done, and prices on that tend to go up in the fall.

We also have our new floors, and they are lovely. We had white oak put into the great room and dining room, and we were able to find a product that actually looks like it is a salvaged floor rather than brand new, even though it is fresh from the factory. It's got all of the little knotholes, wormholes, and color variations that you would expect to see in the floor of an older home, things that are considered "imperfections" now, but which I think add to the beauty of the wood. You can see that it really IS wood, rather than some prefab engineered surface. The library is on a slab, so we were unable to put the oak down there (it's solid wood and for whatever reason can't go on a slab subfloor), but they had a nice maple. It is quite lovely in the space, and the lightness and luminescence of the wood helps to lighten and brighten what used to be a very dark space (the carpet,w hich was installed by the previous owners, was a dark forest green...a very nice color, but not for carpet and not in a naturally dark room.) We've gutted the room, have taken down the old dark-stained paneling and trim, and have put a salmon-rose color on the walls, what little of them will show. The rest will be built-in bookcases and fresh paneling, all painted cream, so the rose should really pop. We're also removing the gas wall heater and replacing it with a ventless gas fireplace, centered on the short wall (the library is long and narrow) and flanked by more built in bookcases, so I should have plenty of room for all of my books (no more double-shelving or stacking on top of the tops of other books, yea!) and some room to grow as well.

Jeff put down tile in the kitchen, and it turned out perfectly. Now all we have to do it put down the quarter-round in the upstairs and rebuild the library, and we're pretty much set as far as the house goes.

Hiked at the lake today. It's been a couple of weeks since I've been able to get out - the most exercise that I've had was walking rather than riding the train at the airport when I went to Boston a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure that my body or psyche can manage that long without the outdoors any longer.

There was a cold front that came through overnight on Saturday, and the humidity dropped to almost nothing. There was a lovely breeze, and a hint of fall. The wind smelled of summer and heat (don't ask me how heat smells, I can't describe it; but it smells hot , like summer) but the touch of it on my face was the promise that the heat is not forever, cool and refreshing. It was a lot like swimming in the Gulf of Mexico in summer, feeling the bathtub warmth all around you when suddenly you hit a pocket of shocking and blessed coolness, gone almost as soon as it is felt but promising better things.

The berries on my dogwoods are turning red. Unlike the drought years, when they were gone pretty much before they riped and the leaves turned a sickly yellow and fell off without a proper change, this year the berries are red and leaves are green (with only a few dark splotches). Although the lake is not that far, the berries there have only started to ripe, and are mostly the same green as the leaves. I hope that this year I can post some photos

Jon called today - his GED is now definitely a done thing, and he has enrolled in drivers' ed while he continues to work on the culinary program. 

I forgot to mention Joseph last time - he is doing well, although he is somewhat disillusioned. It seems that, in spite of his vigorous arguments to the contrary when he started seminary, he has come to the conclusion that most churches are big business at their heart....whoda thunk it? But he's doing well and finding his way. At the end of the day, that's all a mom can ask.

Per request from Kalieris:

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

No, I haven't fallen off of the world. I haven't even fallen into a rabbit hole. I"ve just been working...a lot.

This is a good thing for the most part. I've got my full-time position, and I'm doing a bit of teaching on line to help support the doctoral program (I was going to do the on line teaching anyway, to try to pay off some things more quickly, but now I'm just trying to avoid running up additional debt beyond the student loans).

School is good, at least so far. I had to turn in my first round of papers last week, and I haven't written an academic sort of paper in over a decade, so we'll see how that turns out. It may be that I'm not quite so thrilled with school after I get my marks back! But I'm learning how to navigate Boston - at least those bits of Boston that I have to know. They have us pretty tightly scheduled, so there's not a lot of time for sight-seeing or playing. I've become pretty comfortable navigating their mass transit, though, so if I ever do get a spare afternoon I'll be pretty confident that I can manage to find something fun and interesting.  The lectures are interesting. Our teachers are  knowledgeable and enthusiastic, and many are at the tops of their fields (our lead instructor, for instance, is one of the lead attorneys on the lawsuits against Big Tobacco, and I'm getting used to seeing one of my other professor's names mentioned in journal articles that I'm reading to prep for my dissertation). A lot of thought apparently went into preparing our class, too. We are from all around the country and are a variety of ages, nationalities, and professions.

The first meeting, the university really put on the dog: lunch at the Harvard Club, and cocktail reception on campus. This past meeting was all work - 13 hours on Saturday. But that's OK; I'm going for the education, and can go seperately (and for far less money!) as a tourist on my own time if I choose.

Jon is back in Job Corps, and is doing well, almost in spite of himself. We're in regular contact with his counselor, who helps us manage him through the regular (about weekly) calls of "I hate it here and I don't want to stay!" He's gotten his GED (it took him about a month) and is doing very well in his culinary training program. His counselor thinks that, if he keeps up the way he's going, he has a very good shot at a place in the advanced culinary training program that they have in California. It's in the Napa Valley, and the best of the culinary students from around the country are selected to train there and apprentice in a Napa restaurant while they train. It's a great opportunity, and one that Jon is very excited about when he's not in an "I want to come home!" phase.

Caetlin turned 3 this weekend, and we had a lovely party. My sister rented an indoor playground, and I think I probably had as much fun as the kids running around and hopping and sliding (Auntie is in great demand on the jumps - I'm very short and so meet the height and weight requirements for most of them and I can play in just about anything with the kids). It's nice to be in detante with my sister, and I'm hopeful that things will continue to improve.

I somehow found the time to read Caitlin Kiernan's new novel, "The Red Tree", and I loved it (no surprise there!)  It is a lovely complex book, one that makes you keep thinking after you've finished. More than once I thought that I understood something that I later had to question, and revisiting the introduction after I'd finished the book turned my understanding on its head yet again. I'm still thinking, trying to work it all out. It pays wonderful hommage to Lewis Carroll and Shirley Jackson, but is entirely its own thing. I suspect that it will reward re-reading even more than some of her other work (which is saying something, because I find that when I re-read something that Kiernan has written I usually am able to unearth some little gem that I'd missed before, or at least forgotten that I'd found.) I highly recommend it.

I should get back to work now.

Life is definitely not a straight line. Most of the time, there is the normal humdrum of living. As my best friend and I tell each other, life takes 24 hours a day to live and about five minutes to tell someone about.

Mostly.

And then there are times like these.

I was accepted to the doctoral program, and my financial aid has come through. I've taken the leap. Classes start next Thursday, with a five-day orientation. The rest of the sessions will be long weekends. Here we go...

The refi came through just fine, and we'll have access to the final disbursement of our funds next Tuesday. The HVAC guy was out yesterday to take our tired old air conditioner away and replace it with a surprisingly large new one. (The house was cool before and continues to be cool, although presumably we are no longer leaking refrigerants.) The main floor of the house is in utter disarray: the floor installers brought our new hardwood flooring and it's sitting around to "acclimate" to the house, leaving most of the dining room sitting in the living room. Jeff is also laying tile in the kitchen, trying to get it done before they come to install the floors. He got as far as getting the backerboard down last weekend, so the contents of the kitchen are in the living room as well.

My back went out on Friday, so I didn't pack up the library over the weekend the way I'd hoped, but I'm hoping to get a lot of work done down there (packing the books, removing the old wallpaper so we can paint) while Jeff is installing the tile over the long weekend. It seems like a very productive way of saying out of his path.

Jon came back last Thursday, and promptly started behaving in many of his old ways (I came downstairs to find two six packs, one half gone, in the little garage fridge). He convinced the doctor in Kentucky to prescribe Ativan for him. I have to wonder what sort of psychiatrist gives a benzodiazapene to an addict, and Jon swears that he has told everyone there that he is an addict and asked them not to offer him anything. But I've explained to him exactly what a benzo is, and how it could interact with alcohol. He'll be 20 in a couple of months, so there's not really much more than that that I can do.

He goes back to Job Corps on the 13th, and I'm just hoping that we can all coexist somewhat peacefully until then...we'll see.

Because of my back I hadn't been out walking/hiking in several days, so I was able to run over to the lake on my "lunch break" (I was working from home so that I could be here while the HVAC guy was here). I don't think that it was just my extended absence that made it seem so beautiful. Everything is green now, not the various shades of spring, but a deep, consistent, businesslike green that shows that these are plants that are engaged in the serious work of photosynthesis and growth. The lake itself was also the lovely milky jade color that seems to be strongest in the summer (autumn it tends more towards slate blue). There were no clouds, and the sky was a deep clear blue that we seldom see in the heat of summer, with no masking haze. It wasn't as hot as it has been lately, maybe only 88 or so when I went out, with virtually no humidity and a stiff breeze.

A walk like that is better than almost anything I can think of. 

Not much time, but I felt the need:

I received my acceptance to the doctoral program today. It starts July 9.

I need to decide if I'm going to take that leap --  soon.

As a way of clearing my head, Jeff and I packed up the dogs and went for a drive at about 8. It's something that we usually only do in the morning, especially this time of year when it's so hot, so they were happy and excited. We drove places we usually don't go, a few we'd never been before. We passed deer, horses, cows, goats, sheep, and an emu, so it was a very successful ride by Madeline's standards.

As we were getting home just a few moments ago, we noticed that the western horizon was still light. Not bright, mind you, but light all the same, with distinct sunset colors still faintly visible.  It amazes me to realize that, at quarter til 10 at night, the sun has not fully set. And I know from better than I wish I did  that dawn will be well underway and the entire sky will have at least some light in it by quarter til six.

These are the sorts of days that Ray Bradbury wrote about in the beginning of "Something Wicked This Way Comes", from the time before the Carnival comes and the rot sets in. The sort of day that R.L. Stephenson wrote about in "A Child's Garden of Verses".

Leaping is banished for a moment. There is only warmth, and breeze, and stars, and the happy sigh of the dog at my feet.

Everyone needs a night like this some times.

We found out today that our refi has gone through. Yea home improvement!

I've also applied to a doctoral program. I'm anxious about it - is it a good idea, is it really necessary, will I be accepted, and (the biggest most overwhelming one of all) should I spend the money required to get it?

My nearest and dearest assure me that I should absolutely do it, damn the cost, full steam ahead. But that's not me in the best of economic times, and this is certainly not the best of economic times. Our bring-home income has been reduced by about 45%. I am astounded by my pure luck at the fact that that income reduction doesn't mean that we can't pay our bills - it has mostly meant that we're not saving like we used to. (I re-read this sentance in the light of the rest of my entry and chuckle to myself - perhaps it's not luck but that darned planning that I talk about? :)  )

But it also makes all of my nasty little emotional bells and whistles surrounding the idea of financial security (or perhaps the loss thereof) start going off for me. I've made basically all of my life's major decisions to stay "safe", to do it "the right way" (whatever the hell THAT means anymore). I've never taken the leap and trusted that it was the right thing, that things would be fine.

I'm not sure if I can take my first leap at 42 (close enough). But if I don't take it now, when? And is it such a bad thing to have always been planful and never lept?

I know that there are no right or wrong answers to these questions. I'd be satisfied for one that I felt I could live with.

Last night was the first night that Jon didn't call home.

The first several calls were cries of "I hate this, I don't want to be here!" And email accompanied this, to which Jeff responded that he was an adult now and that this was his business, which it was his responsiblity to handle.

Two nights ago he called and said that things were settling in, that he'd started to make some acquaintences and that things weren't so bad. He's told everyone that he is an addict and does not want to be offered drugs, and so far people have been respectful of that. But, he said, he is still trying to transfer to one of the Georgia centers. We asked him why, since things were smoothing out, and he said something that was surprising to everyone, himself included: "I'm homesick."

He laughed a little and said that that was the last thing that he had ever expected to be. We agreed - we hadn't expected it either, not from him.

Maybe things are going to work out this time. I just wish that his vacation was farther off, to give him a chance to really work through all of it.

We had an extremely amusing (to us) conversation with Jon this afternoon: he HATES Job Corps. He doesn't hate the trade training part, or the school part (which surprises me, since school has never been his strong suit).

No, he hates the other kids.

Jeff and I were stunned. Why? we asked. You're finally out of your house and away from your parents, who are totally devoid of coolness, and can hang with over a thousand like-minded individuals competing to discover who has the most uber-uncool parents while preparing to spend even less time with your dramatically not cool parents in the future.

But these other kids suck! he proclaimed loudly. They're rude, they're loud, they yell and cuss all the time, they're disrespectful to everyone, they don't take care of anything or have any regard for anything. There are over 1200 of them here, and they're ALL like that. It's horrible!!!!

Jeff and I started to grin, and then we started to giggle. Finally we couldn't hold it in any longer, and we both just started laughing out loud.

What's funny?! he demanded? I'm trying to tell you how horrible all of these kids are to live with!

We understand, we told him. It sounds to us like you are living with 1200...of you. And that you're discovering that living with you is no picnic. In fact, living with you can pretty much suck at times.

There was total silence from the other end of the line for a few moments (well, silence from him; we could hear the hooting and yelling of the other kids in the background), and finally he said, "Yeah, it sucks."

We did not discuss it further.

Jeff and I are still chortling   >:)

So he's gone.

We took him to the airport on Tuesday afternoon, and went with him as far as the security line. He looked happy, nervous, determined....or as determined as Jon ever looks.

It was oddly bittersweet, and I had not expected that. Each of the other times he's left, he's gone under negative circumstances and it has been a relief to have him gone. This is the first time he's been going towards something rather than running away from something, and I was surprised at how different that felt to me.

Jeff felt it even more strongly than I did, and was in a funk all evening. He wouldn't or couldn't talk about it much, other than to say that he was anxious.

Jon called me yesterday to let us know that he'd gotten there in one piece, and then called again last night and got Jeff. He sounded wary, and said that drugs were readily available if he wanted them, but stopped just short of saying that the access worried him. When he spoke to Jeff he said that he was avoiding social situations and spent his spare time reading his NA book.  I worry because he is a social creature, and it will be contrary to his nature to isolate himself for very long. But he sounds more focused that I can ever remember him sounding.

Perhaps he grasps that this is his last best chance to put himself on a path towards a life that offers some of the good things rather than marginalization.

He said that he'll be home on the 25th for his summer break, and I was sorry to hear that. I had hoped that he wouldn't get a break before he'd had a chance to settle in. However, it may be that he can get an NA booster while he's here, and talk to people in the organization about developing a relapse prevention plan now that he knows the lay of the land, so maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I just wish we'd held off on the new furniture now!